Killer Shrimp Cleared of Murder

The verdict is in: Flying shrimp cannot kill a man.

This was probably very disappointing news to the widow of Jerry Colaitis, who lost her husband in 2001. According to various news reports, Colaitis was at a birthday party at a Manhasset Benihana restaurant when he hurt his neck while trying to duck a piece of shrimp flung at him by a chef putting on a theatrical show. Colaitis later died from complications of surgery that his family said he wouldn't have had if it wasn't for that pesky airborne crustacean.

Yesterday, however, a jury ruled that Benihana was not responsible for the death.

While my condolences go out to Mrs. Colaitis on her loss, I tsk tsk her for thinking she could cash in on the situation. Mrs. Colaitis, who posed for a Newsday photo in her mink coat, is obviously already rich. But like the wife of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, husbands can never make enough. Shit, if I was Wayne Gretzky, my wife would come home to find all her stuff on the front lawn.

Again, I'm terribly sorry for the Colaitis' loss, but don't blame Benihana or their jocular wait staff for this. I happen to love shrimp, and I know that unless it has teeth, thorns or ninja fighting skills, it's not going to hurt me. Mr. Colaitis, you'd probably still be alive today if you just opened your mouth and took it like a man.